pain

our phone rang at 8:43 this morning.  my heart skipped a beat as i saw who it was on caller ID, and i grabbed the phone up and answered it quickly.

and for a brief time, the conversation went exactly like it had just two weeks earlier when our son was born into our lives...

"hello?" i answered.

"allison?" the kind voice on the other end asked.

i responded, "yes, this is allison."

but the tone was completely different.  the quiet excitement in patricia's voice was gone and in its place was sorrow and pain.

"allison, i'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but the baby didn't make it."

i heard everything she said after that but it's like i was just overhearing a conversation between other people.  i wasn't there.

"...the baby didn't make it."

our hearts feel like they're ripping apart this morning, aching in one of those hidden places that you forget is even there until you're tossed into a deep sea of sorrow and pain.  how did we love him so much when we never met him?  how do my arms feel so empty when i never held him?

i don't know the answers to those questions, but i do know this is a depth of pain i've never known before.  i keep looking at that precious face on our refrigerator and falling apart all over again.  his tiny arms and legs, his long fingers, his big brown eyes looking straight out of the picture at me...they've all disappeared from our lives in the matter of a single phone call.  LORD, we can't carry this burden alone.

and i heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "now the dwelling of GOD is with men, and he will live with them.  they will be his people, and GOD himself will be with them and be their GOD.  he will wipe every tear from their eyes.  there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  

revelation 21:3-4