the anniversary

i woke up before the sun had yet risen thinking about him, but there were no tears, no falling apart. just that quiet sadness that's forever mingled with a contented peace.

last saturday was the one year anniversary of judah's death.

i was in memphis shooting anna and scott's wedding, and i knew that the whole day would be a whirlwind of activity and excitement. i thought that would probably be best. in fact, between getting out of the hotel, inhaling breakfast after a snafu at the local cracker barrel, making a wrong turn on the way to the church (my precious second-shooter, anna rootie, and i aren't the best navigators), and running around getting everything set up once we arrived, i truly hadn't had much time beyond those first early-morning moments to think about him or about what august 13 had held for our family just one year ago.

as i usually do, i met and chatted with some of the other wedding vendors for the day and ended up in conversation with the florist who was wrapping up the final details on her gorgeous work. as she was preparing to leave, she asked if i would do her a favor. sure, i replied.

there's one more set of flowers right here, but i don't have a name for who it belongs to. it's for a friend of anna's who lost her son last year at this time. anna asked if i would make it the same as the others but add a single blue rose in the center. would you mind helping me find who this belongs to?

as she looked away from the flowers to my face, my tears gave it away. i think that friend might be me, i said quietly. she put her hands over her mouth and said, i didn't know. i'm so sorry. i thanked her over and over for her beautiful work and assured her that the tears were all sweet now. yes, they still come easily when i talk a lot about judah, but crying doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. it just means i'm feeling.

thank you, anna, for such a precious and thoughtful gift to me on such an amazing day for you. i treasure the many calls and messages you've sent me throughout our adoption journey, and i'm so thankful for your constant encouragement. i love you, friend.