"to praise"

"day and night they never stop saying:

'holy, holy, holy is the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY,

who was, and is, and is to come."

-revelation 4:8

this verse utterly and totally captivates my soul.  it's one of those verses that no matter where i am in life, it makes me long for there. 

one of my very favorite things to do while we're singing at church is to stand in the center of the room, close my eyes, and sing along with a couple thousand of the other voices surrounding me, all singing praise to the LORD.  without fail, i find myself getting swept away with just a glimpse of what my eternity will be like.  

i heard a quote at church a few weeks ago that has stuck with me powerfully since that day:  "every glimpse of heaven that we have in scripture suggests that worship will be our eternal occupation."  the thought of standing before the throne of holy GOD forever and ever singing praises to his name is almost too powerful and too wonderful to comprehend.  it's unfathomable to imagine that i'll be participating in a corporate worship service like none other with men and women from ages past who have spent the last thousands of years doing what my heart longs to do now.

i really wanted to be at church today.  actually, i think it's safe to say that i needed to be there.  as the congregation began to sing "amazing grace", the instruments grew louder and the voices grew more powerful.  i closed my eyes and i could almost see throngs of saints lifting their hands in worship and adoration of the LORD.  and you know what thought overwhelmed me at that moment?

judah is already doing this.  i love GOD and long for his eternal presence from here on earth.  but judah is praising and worshiping GOD at his feet right now.

a couple of people have asked if i think i'll meet judah in the form of a man or will he still be a tiny five-pound baby that i'll one day finally be able to hold.  in all honesty, i have no clue what i think will happen in that regard.  i'm not even sure we'll have bodies in the way we think of them now, but i do know this:  if psalm 148 tells me that the sun, moon, stars, oceans, animals, plants, and storms "praise the name of the LORD, for his name alone is exalted", then there's not a shadow of doubt in my mind that a child who was formed in GOD's image and fashioned by his very hands can do the same.

after all...it's what he was named to do.

"then i heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

'to him who sits on the throne and to the lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, forever and ever!'"

revelation 5:13

working through the pain

i'm here in a dark, quiet hotel room with josh.  i'm not even sure exactly where we are -- somewhere near atlanta.  how did we get here?  not to atlanta, but to this day.  to this pain.

judah spent this last week in a losing battle to illness and to poverty.  he breathed his last shallow breath this morning and just hours later, he was placed into a small box and buried beneath the earth.  we weren't at our own son's funeral.  that thought has consumed me all day today along with a barrage of questions that i imagine will forever go unanswered.

who was at judah's funeral?  did they sing songs?  did they weep with the pain we've wept with today?  did a nurse or doctor hold him close as his life was slipping away?  when was the last time he cried?  or was he to weak to cry at all?  does he know how much he was loved and how much he is now missed by a mommy who never even held him?

i won't lie, there have been many times today that i've cried out in deep grief and unimaginable pain.  but our sweet baby's name keeps coming back to me.

judah.  "to praise."

the world seems to be crashing down around me and my heart aches at the deepest core, but all i know to do is to cling to the name we prayerfully chose for our son and to humbly act on its meaning.  i feel empty tonight, but my song of prayer and praise is this:

"the LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.  

blessed be the name of the LORD."  

job 1:21

pain

our phone rang at 8:43 this morning.  my heart skipped a beat as i saw who it was on caller ID, and i grabbed the phone up and answered it quickly.

and for a brief time, the conversation went exactly like it had just two weeks earlier when our son was born into our lives...

"hello?" i answered.

"allison?" the kind voice on the other end asked.

i responded, "yes, this is allison."

but the tone was completely different.  the quiet excitement in patricia's voice was gone and in its place was sorrow and pain.

"allison, i'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but the baby didn't make it."

i heard everything she said after that but it's like i was just overhearing a conversation between other people.  i wasn't there.

"...the baby didn't make it."

our hearts feel like they're ripping apart this morning, aching in one of those hidden places that you forget is even there until you're tossed into a deep sea of sorrow and pain.  how did we love him so much when we never met him?  how do my arms feel so empty when i never held him?

i don't know the answers to those questions, but i do know this is a depth of pain i've never known before.  i keep looking at that precious face on our refrigerator and falling apart all over again.  his tiny arms and legs, his long fingers, his big brown eyes looking straight out of the picture at me...they've all disappeared from our lives in the matter of a single phone call.  LORD, we can't carry this burden alone.

and i heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "now the dwelling of GOD is with men, and he will live with them.  they will be his people, and GOD himself will be with them and be their GOD.  he will wipe every tear from their eyes.  there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  

revelation 21:3-4

izzy's prayer tonight

"dear god, thank you for this happy day.  pwease take care of my wittle brother, judah.  amen."

immediate prayers needed

my brain is officially mush so bear with me if i'm repeating myself.  here's the brief background to a very serious prayer request:
friday, july 30 - we received judah's referral.  we learned that he weighed 4.4 lbs at birth and was 5.5 lbs at referral (at almost five weeks old).
friday, august 6 - we got an email from our case worker letting us know that judah had been in the hospital briefly that week but that he was back in his orphanage now.
monday, august 9 - we heard from our case worker again that judah had been readmitted to a private hospital for severe vomiting and diarrhea related to his formula.  that's when we started to get nervous.  serious dehydration can be serious for the plumpest of folks...it can be quickly fatal when you only weigh five pounds.
tuesday, august 10 - the promised update never came.
wednesday, august 11 - we learned that judah was not only on IV fluids but that he was also on IV antibiotics.  the pieces didn't seem to be adding up.  antibiotics for a formula intolerance?  jack had to see the pediatrician for belly pain stemming from our car accident (everything's fine) so i ran judah's case by our doctor while we were there.  he agreed that there was obviously a secondary issue going on to necessitate antibiotics, and his normally perky attitude turned serious when he told me that to be so young and so small with such poor conditions (related to both judah's physical concerns and third world healthcare) could easily lead to a very grave end result.
thursday, august 12 - our case worker emailed to tell us that judah was moved to a government hospital yesterday and is still on IV antibiotics.  i pushed for more detailed information and questioned the antibiotic issue.  within 30 minutes my cell phone rang.  it was our agency letting us know that they had gotten more information from the orphanage director and that judah has pneumonia.  he was moved to ICU at the government hospital because they have more advanced capabilities than the smaller, private hospital does.  he is very, very sick and very, very weak.

the tears are flowing heavily today.  i know that the lord loves baby judah even more than we do.  i know that god knit every precious part of him together in his birth mother's womb (psalm 139:13) and that even the hairs of his head are numbered (matt. 10:30).  the lord determined the number of judah's days before the beginning of time and nothing outside of the lord's will can add to them (job 14:5) -- including my worry and anxiety (matt. 6:27). 

but there's still pain in the wait and the distance. 

as in the words of our sweet realtor who just prayed with me over the phone, we are asking the lord -- who is the great physician and healer -- to breathe his breath of life into judah's tiny, sick lungs.  please pray for wisdom for the doctor and nurses as they treat him as well as strength for judah to fight hard, to get well quickly, and to come home to us soon.

more as i hear it...

wordless wednesday (referral day)

this was the first time we had gotten to see judah's picture.  (jack was yelling something to the effect of "that's my brother!")  so sweet!!!!!

t.g.i.N.f. (thank goodness it's NOT friday)

i've always loved fridays.  the wrapping up of a long week at school or work, the anticipation of a weekend with family and friends -- fridays are fun days.

but i'm praying to never again have a friday like this last one.

it started like any fun friday should.  the kids and i drove to bethany's house to play, swim, and eat lunch.  they were running so hard and having such a fantastic time that i told bethany, "today is going to be a super nap day for them".  around 1:15, i decided that if i was going to cash in on long-nap-time, i should probably head for home.  i gathered our gear, strapped everybody into the car, and we took off toward home.  as we were leaving bethany's house, izzy yelled, "look mommy -- i did it!!"  i turned around to see that she had unbuckled her car seat all by herself, so i immediately stopped and very sternly told her that she was never, ever, ever allowed to unbuckle her seat when we were driving.  i explained that we could have a wreck and that if she wasn't buckled snugly in her seat, she could get really hurt.

twenty-five minutes later, my car looked like this:

the cause: 
a guy pulled out in front of me on hwy. 280 which caused me to t-bone his truck right on his driver's side door.  he drove his car away from the accident scene.  i obviously didn't.
the medical report: 
other driver - totally fine.  huge blessing!
abby - screamed for the first five minutes but has NO physical injuries.  she has been glued to my hip ever since the accident and has done everything she can think of to be a little servant (including laying my jammies out on my bed - that she made up - so they would be ready for me when i hit the hay last night).
jack - screamed for the first five minutes but only has a couple of tiny scratches around his neck where his car seat straps burned his neck.  he's been acting out a little since friday but that probably has a lot to do with the fact that we've been locked up in the house talking to insurance agents all weekend.
izzy - screamed for what seemed like four hours but has NO physical injuries.  it kind of makes me sick to think what could have happened if she hadn't told me she had unbuckled her seat belt.  humongous blessing!!!!!!!!  i can't count high enough to tell you how many times i've thanked the lord for protecting all of our little people.
me - i have a concussion and possibly a very small nasal fracture from where the "air mattress" (as the kids call it) deployed when we wrecked.  but today has been soooooo much better than the weekend and i should be 100% in the next few days.  again, i'm thankful, thankful, thankful.

by the time we got home that evening, we were content to call it a day, but there was more difficult news on the horizon.  we got an email from our case worker that judah had been sent to the hospital.  he was back at the orphanage by the time she wrote us, but she had no information other than the fact that he had been in the hospital "briefly" that week.

you know that old saying about the straw that broke the camel's back?  yeah...

josh immediately called a family meeting in the living room to pray.  we thanked god for the fact that we were all sitting together, relatively unharmed, in our own home, and we prayed for tiny judah.  when we were done, sweet innocent abby leaned over to me and whispered, "i really hope judah doesn't die."

breaking, breaking...

it was too much.  the emotional trauma of such an accident, the physical pain, the thankfulness for our lives, and the fear for judah's.  i whispered back, "me too, baby.  me too."  and then i turned away and let the tears flow.  i would have been worried regardless, but our agency had recently told us about a family whose baby girl died at the orphanage from malnutrition before they could get her home.

but as josh reminded me, judah was back at the orphanage so that had to be a good sign, right??

fast forward to today.  in terms of the accident, this has been a very eventful, very good day.  the insurance company has already cut us a check to get another car, and we got the information we needed to have all four of the car seats that were in the van replaced under our policy.  (allstate has been fantastic!)

but then i got the update email i had been waiting for from our adoption case worker.  she told us that judah had been admitted into the hospital again today for severe vomiting and diarrhea and that they didn't know when he would be released.  "they" (whoever that is) think that it's his formula that's making him sick so once he's stable again, they're going to start him on a different kind to see if that will help him.  i'm trying to take my cues from our case worker, but while she was very calm and reassuring, i'm a lot more concerned.  how do we know that this is as simple as the wrong formula?  how adequate is his medical care?  how long can a five-pound baby live with severe vomiting and diarrhea? 

i don't want to be overly dramatic, but there's a little guy in ethiopia who could be fighting for his life tonight.  please, please pray for judah's health.  pray that his doctors and nurses will have adequate knowledge and resources to help heal him and that his caretakers will be able to care for him once he's back at the orphanage. 

i made our blog private several weeks ago but feel free to copy this post and send it to others to have them praying as well.  (and i'm always happy to add readers if they have someone i know and trust to vouch for their good intentions and sanity.  learned that one the hard way.)  we would love to have a tremendous gathering of prayers going up on baby judah's behalf.

more tomorrow...