"who is like our god?"

so it's been a while since i've posted on here, huh? and it's really been a long time since i've written anything of substance.

well get ready because that's about to change.  :-)

i've wrestled greatly with how much of these past couple of months to share - or if i should even share them at all.   here are some of the thoughts that have been swimming around in my head...

"allison, don't be TOO honest with everybody. people love hearing about the happy ending, but some folks are afraid of the painful and ugly path it took to get there." 
"ooh, be careful sharing that part. don't want people to think you're weak in your faith." 
"YIKES -- that's deep stuff! you'd better keep that to yourself so you don't worry anybody." 
but the loudest voice echoed, "if you talk, somebody out there might question the lord's goodness and love."

so i kept quiet.

here's how it happened:  judah died on august 13, 2010.  you can scroll back through that month to read more about what all transpired during that time, but this is what occurred with me personally.  i shared a bit in the early days about how painful that was, but i felt an overwhelming desire to turn the tragedy of judah's death into a launching pad for action.  GOD was tremendously gracious in allowing us to connect with compassion international to set up sponsorships for a child survival program in the city in which judah passed away, and while i was wholeheartedly joyful in that...

i was wholeheartedly broken at the same time.

i couldn't shake the image of our five-pound son's face.  i constantly pictured his big brown eyes staring right into mine from the surface of my favorite photo of him.  i tried to escape the vision of his last breaths as he lay in the bed of a sub-standard hospital thousands of miles of red tape and poverty away.  his chest rose, his chest fell.  it rose, and it fell.  it rose again.  and then it stopped.  and as i would try to drift off to sleep at night, i would be gripped by the thought of death's stiff hold on his lifeless body.

i talked a lot about following in the meaning of judah's name -- "to praise" -- and i tried to show a strong, faithful presence when i wrote and when i talked with friends and family, but the truth is that in many ways, i felt like i was crumbling inside.  unfortunately (or, perhaps, sovereignly) judah's death came during a time of questioning for me -- a sort of crisis of faith, if you will.  not a "do i believe what i think i believe?" sort of crisis but rather a period of really wrestling with the truth of GOD's character and his promises.  i had been deeply burdened over a particular circumstance, and when GOD didn't show himself in that situation the way i had begged (and expected) him to do, i started searching for some answers.

i remember praying this: "LORD, help me to really understand your love, your sovereign power, and your character."

shortly after that, a nasty snowball of yuck began when the kids and i were in a car accident that totaled our van.  a couple of days later, we got word that judah was critically ill in the hospital -- and then he was gone.  there are several factors i can see that contributed, but it was ultimately my own choices that landed me in what is decidedly the darkest place in which i've ever dwelt.  eventually, my decisions led me to put my comfort and peace -- my hope -- in things outside of the LORD. 

no, i don't care to share beyond that at this point.  josh and a trusted friend know the story; they've bathed me in scripture, truth, and prayer.  one day i'll chat -- but today's not that day.

i tried to pray, but god was silent.

i tried to sing.  god was silent.

and eventually, much like the learned behavior of babies in an overwhelmed orphanage, i got silent myself.  i felt so distant from him that i couldn't even muster up the words to speak to GOD; and even if i had, i truly believed at that point that they would once again be met...with silence.

i just kept reading lamentations 3:31-32, 24:  "for men are not cast off by the LORD forever.  though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  i say to myself, 'the LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for him.'"  i didn't know what else to do -- but wait.

ok, now that you're probably thinking i've lost my mind, heart, confidence, faith -- or some combination thereof -- let me share with you the rest of the story...

little by little, i began to feel the LORD drawing me back to himself.  at that point, i had truly reached the end of myself -- there was absolutely nothing left.  as the epitome of a type-A, independent gal, my emptiness made me feel, well, empty.  i wasn't used to not being able to fix things, not being able to find the answers...and i certainly wasn't used to putting on a mask of "okay-ness" so that nobody knew i was falling apart.

slowly and sovereignly, GOD began to do a couple of big things in my heart and life.  he gently acknowledged what i was learning, that no, i couldn't do this on my own -- not life, not death, not anything.  but just as huge as that was his intimate lesson in grace.  it was already obvious...i had screwed this whole thing up.  but he lovingly and graciously drew me in, forgave me, and began to make me whole again.

how have i been a believer for 21 years and i'm just now feeling like i'm even scratching the surface on the amazing grace of my GOD?

hmmm..."LORD, help me to really understand your love, your sovereign power, and your character."

october 12, 2010.  60 days almost to the minute of finding out that judah was gone.  we received a call from our social worker telling us about a little guy in ethiopia who desperately needed a family.  yes, yes, yes!  send us his information!  as we opened up the email, we learned of his birthday -- june 26, 2010.  judah's birthday.  is this baby a replacement for judah?  absolutely not.  what he is is a gift and a blessing from a GOD who sovereignly chose him for our family before any of us even had breath.

and his name?  it's a little reflection of something that i've been learning a lot about lately...

micah.  "who is like our god?"

my ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

job 42:5

they're still all smiles

a car accident that totaled our car two weeks ago.  the death of a baby brother they couldn't wait to meet last week.

these little people have been through a lot recently.  but despite the trauma of a wreck, treks around town to a bajillion car dealerships, countless phone calls and visits from the insurance companies, more calls to and from the adoption agency, plus a weepy momma, these sweet babies just keep on smiling.

we're blessed.

t.g.i.N.f. (thank goodness it's NOT friday)

i've always loved fridays.  the wrapping up of a long week at school or work, the anticipation of a weekend with family and friends -- fridays are fun days.

but i'm praying to never again have a friday like this last one.

it started like any fun friday should.  the kids and i drove to bethany's house to play, swim, and eat lunch.  they were running so hard and having such a fantastic time that i told bethany, "today is going to be a super nap day for them".  around 1:15, i decided that if i was going to cash in on long-nap-time, i should probably head for home.  i gathered our gear, strapped everybody into the car, and we took off toward home.  as we were leaving bethany's house, izzy yelled, "look mommy -- i did it!!"  i turned around to see that she had unbuckled her car seat all by herself, so i immediately stopped and very sternly told her that she was never, ever, ever allowed to unbuckle her seat when we were driving.  i explained that we could have a wreck and that if she wasn't buckled snugly in her seat, she could get really hurt.

twenty-five minutes later, my car looked like this:

the cause: 
a guy pulled out in front of me on hwy. 280 which caused me to t-bone his truck right on his driver's side door.  he drove his car away from the accident scene.  i obviously didn't.
the medical report: 
other driver - totally fine.  huge blessing!
abby - screamed for the first five minutes but has NO physical injuries.  she has been glued to my hip ever since the accident and has done everything she can think of to be a little servant (including laying my jammies out on my bed - that she made up - so they would be ready for me when i hit the hay last night).
jack - screamed for the first five minutes but only has a couple of tiny scratches around his neck where his car seat straps burned his neck.  he's been acting out a little since friday but that probably has a lot to do with the fact that we've been locked up in the house talking to insurance agents all weekend.
izzy - screamed for what seemed like four hours but has NO physical injuries.  it kind of makes me sick to think what could have happened if she hadn't told me she had unbuckled her seat belt.  humongous blessing!!!!!!!!  i can't count high enough to tell you how many times i've thanked the lord for protecting all of our little people.
me - i have a concussion and possibly a very small nasal fracture from where the "air mattress" (as the kids call it) deployed when we wrecked.  but today has been soooooo much better than the weekend and i should be 100% in the next few days.  again, i'm thankful, thankful, thankful.

by the time we got home that evening, we were content to call it a day, but there was more difficult news on the horizon.  we got an email from our case worker that judah had been sent to the hospital.  he was back at the orphanage by the time she wrote us, but she had no information other than the fact that he had been in the hospital "briefly" that week.

you know that old saying about the straw that broke the camel's back?  yeah...

josh immediately called a family meeting in the living room to pray.  we thanked god for the fact that we were all sitting together, relatively unharmed, in our own home, and we prayed for tiny judah.  when we were done, sweet innocent abby leaned over to me and whispered, "i really hope judah doesn't die."

breaking, breaking...

it was too much.  the emotional trauma of such an accident, the physical pain, the thankfulness for our lives, and the fear for judah's.  i whispered back, "me too, baby.  me too."  and then i turned away and let the tears flow.  i would have been worried regardless, but our agency had recently told us about a family whose baby girl died at the orphanage from malnutrition before they could get her home.

but as josh reminded me, judah was back at the orphanage so that had to be a good sign, right??

fast forward to today.  in terms of the accident, this has been a very eventful, very good day.  the insurance company has already cut us a check to get another car, and we got the information we needed to have all four of the car seats that were in the van replaced under our policy.  (allstate has been fantastic!)

but then i got the update email i had been waiting for from our adoption case worker.  she told us that judah had been admitted into the hospital again today for severe vomiting and diarrhea and that they didn't know when he would be released.  "they" (whoever that is) think that it's his formula that's making him sick so once he's stable again, they're going to start him on a different kind to see if that will help him.  i'm trying to take my cues from our case worker, but while she was very calm and reassuring, i'm a lot more concerned.  how do we know that this is as simple as the wrong formula?  how adequate is his medical care?  how long can a five-pound baby live with severe vomiting and diarrhea? 

i don't want to be overly dramatic, but there's a little guy in ethiopia who could be fighting for his life tonight.  please, please pray for judah's health.  pray that his doctors and nurses will have adequate knowledge and resources to help heal him and that his caretakers will be able to care for him once he's back at the orphanage. 

i made our blog private several weeks ago but feel free to copy this post and send it to others to have them praying as well.  (and i'm always happy to add readers if they have someone i know and trust to vouch for their good intentions and sanity.  learned that one the hard way.)  we would love to have a tremendous gathering of prayers going up on baby judah's behalf.

more tomorrow...